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  • Break Ups

    With spring turning to summer, we let nature take its inevitable course. Flowers bloom, birds chirp & relationships break in time to forget the memories in time for all of the Memorial Day weekend parties. Whether messy or clean, break ups can be difficult, which is why we asked Annabel Acton, founder of Never Liked It Anyway, to pick some of her favorite break up texts. Here’s what she had to say about it:

    Breakups. They’re not fun. But they don’t have to be as hideous as you may think. A while ago, I’d had a shitty breakup of my own and decided to build a site called NeverLikedItAnyway.com it’s basically a place that lets you tell your story and sell at that crap you’re left with when a relationship ends (Ed. note: …for booze money). It’s cheeky, it’s ballsy and it’s a good laugh. So if you’re wallowing in breakup land, don’t mope about. Find something to help you see the funny side fast.

    (513): He dumped me and I don’t wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

    (704): I dumped him because he’s never seen star wars. I’m certain I did the right thing.

    (901): Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.

    (360): I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I’d always change the subject to bagels.
    (206): So. She dumped me today.
    (425): Well, maybe you shouldn’t have referred to going down on her as “Dumpster-Diving”.

    (708): After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying “thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded.”
    (513): i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply ” you need to play the field more anyway”

    (414): i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
    (719): she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
    (414): are you serious?

    (317): How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?

  • St. Patrick’s Day

    Your liver is officially on notice: St. Patrick’s Day is less than 48 hours away. Hopefully you’ve already started the “training” process/extra excuse on St. Practice Day, Green Beer Day or Fake Paddy’s Day. If not, just remember that Saturday is a marathon, not a race…a very drunken, green, blurry marathon. May your beers be green, car bombs be of the glass form only & your texts sent to us. Here’s some inspiration:

    (952): So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

    (914): i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die

    (859): Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won’t get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

    (304): Turning 21 on Saint Patty’s day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

    (203): i’m at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i’m screaming the words.

    (1-203): it’s 1 pm.

    (612): three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled “happy st. patrick’s day!”, downed jagerbombs, and left.

    (614): True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick’s day spirit.

    (508): dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

    Favorite memories of St. Patrick’s Day past? Tell us in the comments.

  • Spring Break

    A restful vacation, some time off to ease the stresses of everyday life, or just an all-out shitshow — spring break is upon us whether you’re ready or not. While the locations, days off & choices of celebration may differ, we encourage you to take advantage of this time however you see fit…even you, Mom. Whether you’ve spent countless hours preparing in the gym, office, classroom or all of the above, welcome to spring break. If you even needed any more motivation, here are our favorite texts sent from very blurry beaches, boats, hotel rooms & even the local bar.

    (317): idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break

    (815): I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm…I love spring break in Mexico!

    (202): Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

    (214): I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

    (918): People were autographing me. I’m like the spring break yearbook

    (774): the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.

    (940): You graduated two years ago… You can’t keep using spring break as an excuse.

    (732): I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?

    Spring Break memories you can’t forget (no matter how hard you’ve tried)? Leave them in the comments.

  • Birthday Sext

    Holy shit…

     

    Three years ago, Lauren and I (Ben) connected a domain we bought for $7.49 (promo codes, yo) to a dark and very plain blog we created to make fun of our friends who would send us some incredible texts while we were lame and sleeping. Three years is a long time. For example: Michael Jackson was alive (and planning a comeback!), four character Twitter accounts were still available, and the Jersey Shore was nothing more than a horrible place to spend a summer.

     

    We’ve come a long way since those early days of taking turns leaving our computers, fever dreams of submissions coming in too fast to read, and explaining to our parents that this was more important than law school.

     

    On Tuesday, textsfromlastnight.com turned 3. According to iVillage.com, this means:
    Three-year-olds love to explore words and language. They enjoy making up stories. Their favorite literary characters are often animals with human traits, such as Curious George.
    The three-year-old is eager to please. It’s a wonderful time to establish excellent lifelong habits, if parents have the patience!
    Ours seems to be focused on some more…questionable habits. It’s hard to believe our 3 year old already has a drinking problem, but we love it just the same. In honor of TFLN turning 3, we present to you our favorite birthday texts.

     

    (518): woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room… birthday successful? i’d say so

     

    (727): she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

     

    (248): she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said “I’m the birthday girl”, and kept on doing what she was doing.

     

    (847): He titled his birthday party on facebook, “BJ’s in PJ’s- an adult slumber party.” I’m the only one invited.

     

    (216): 6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn’t get a cab. Best birthday ever.

     

    (314): For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

     

    (501): he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake

     

    (807): at least the cop wrote “happy birthday” on the ticket.

     

    (608): all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ”our parents fucked on the same day!”

     

    (970): There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?

     

    Best way to celebrate a birthday? Let us know in the comments. We’ll ee you at the bar.
  • Valentine’s Day

    Like it or not, you knew it was coming. February 14th is right around the corner and this kind of VD is unavoidable. Whether you’re celebrating with a loved one, awkwardly texting (or avoiding) a recent hookup or drunkenly sobbing in sweatpants, just remember that we’re here for you…with a list of our favorite Valentine’s Day texts.

    (801): I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

    (864): she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY

    (502): Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine’s day plans

    (585): she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

    (240): So for Valentine’s Day…I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.

    (217): The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend

    (614): the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift

    (704): What’s the appropriate I’ve been inside you but we’re not technically dating valentines present?

    (316): I’m still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day

    (248): Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

    Got a Valentine’s Day story? Whether it’s sappy or just plain sloppy, put it in the comments.

  • About Last Night…

    No one is perfect. Despite your best efforts, hook ups don’t always go as planned so this probably isn’t the first time you’ve heard the phrase “it happens to a lot of people…”. Since bad sex story skeletons lurk in the back of every closet, we might as well embrace them. Presented without comment, some of our favorite horrible hook up texts.

    (310): Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn’t drop the candle and light half my bed on fire

    (302): I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche….the Lesbian Years.

    (404): He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm  … how is this fair?

    (812): This is the first time I have ever hoped it’s poison ivy on my cock

    (817): After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.

    (773): She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn’t leave in the morning while she was still sleeping.  Apparently I just look like “that guy”.

    (718): He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates….using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

    (+03): Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said ‘whats going on in here’

    (661): I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in “I love you, I’ll try harder and I’m sorry.”

    (716): He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex

    Got a hook up horror story? Let us know in the comments…

  • The Blackout

    We interrupt our regularly scheduled debauchery to talk about some scary shit.

    By now you have heard of SOPA and PIPA, two bills currently in Congress that threaten to destroy the internet as we know it.

    If you haven’t heard of SOPA and PIPA, please check out the links at textsfromlastnight.com/#stopsopa

    While the geriatric hearts of Congress may mean well (piracy = not awesome), the bill as written is like mixing Jäger with white wine. Now, imagine the hangover. They think it will stop piracy. The major networks and media companies assure them that it will. It won’t. Instead, this poorly written bill will relentlessly police users like you and publishers like us. It will erase sites like TFLN from search engines for even a small infraction. In fact, the cost for one infraction would be so significant that we could not afford to pay for our servers. What’s worse: if that happened, we couldn’t even go to Tumblr, WordPress or Blogger because they wouldn’t exist either. Same goes for sites like YouTube, Reddit, Wikipedia, Facebook and Twitter. Scary shit indeed.

    Today, we’re asking you to write, call, stalk, text, or visit your representative.

    If you don’t know who to call, we got you covered. Just head to: americancensorship.org

    or

    See a list of reps here: house.gov/representatives

    But that’s not all. Today we need action. Tomorrow, we’re asking you to care:

    “The mainstream news media was not going to tell you about SOPA or PIPA. Many of your elected officials want to push through harmful legislation because their supporters demand it, and they know you’re unlikely to hold them accountable. It’s vitally important to stop SOPA or PIPA from passing, but what’s even more important is that you start paying attention and demand better from your government. Even if we stop SOPA, the larger problem continues.” – RWW

  • Hello Syllabus Week

    We let our college intern ML loose on the blog and here’s where her mind wandered…

    Ah… if you’re anything like every other college kid, this is the week we’ve all been waiting for. The infamous syllabus week — It’s like welcome week in repeat. Except better. We’ve spent winter break tanning and shopping, prepping to see everyone once we’re back at campus. Fuck buddies are established, Christmas cash has got the liquor supply on high, and classes are straight bullshit for this one precious week. Professors spend 10 minutes going over the syllabus and let students out early. Complete waste of time going to class – we all trick ourselves into thinking this. After 4 nights straight of raging, maybe you’ll feel guilty about skipping and decide you’ll go to that 10:20. Hung-over, you’ll feel your way to class, crawling to your seat, blinded by the fluorescent lights. Maybe those 8 White Russians last night weren’t the best idea.

    Here’s a little inspiration to stay strong, hold in your vomit and man up. It’s syllabus week after all.

    (631): I’m afraid my bank account can’t handle syllabus week.

    (989): no where in the syllabus does it say “no alcoholic beverages allowed”.

    (231): Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week

    (973): I had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week

    (571): You yelled “bananas are an excellent source of potassium!” 4 times in the middle of class. How do you not remember?

    (703): I don’t even know what potassium is.

    (317): can you pick me up an extra syllabus

    (1-317): I passed out in the shower again

    (443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I’m mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

    (612): I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

    (817): Our professor just said “No class today, go get stoned.” A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

    (716): I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?

  • New Year’s Resolutions

    If you happen to be reading this, congratulations. You survived New Year’s Eve. Never mind the fact that you woke up in a bathtub covered in champagne with enough corks in your pockets to float…it’s 2012 and you made it. The only thing serving as a reminder to 2011 is the kind of hangover that feels like you’ve been hit by a train. Suddenly, it hits you. Your New Year’s resolution was to stop drinking avoid hangovers like this…until at least next weekend.

    Whatever your resolutions might be or the actual commitment you have to them, consider these texts your inspiration to staying on track or embracing the train.

    (818): Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

    (315): My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

    (513): New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

    (410): new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

    (407): at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don’t say i’m not fulfilling my resolutions

    (804): quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick

    (650): Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.

    (918): my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk

    (980): My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.

    More resolutions? Tell us in the comments.

  • TFLN Looks Back At 2011

    Did 2011 even happen? Seriously. Weren’t we just recapping 2010 like…yesterday? Despite our collective lack of memory, we managed to piece together a best and worst of the year list from the insane amounts of texts you sent to us. We laughed, we cried, we cringed, we were proud & we probably puked. It’s our pleasure to present you with the six best and six worst Texts From Last Night of 2011, as voted by you.

    Best Nights

    (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

    (619): My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

    (321): I’m drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I’m getting laid and 75% chance I’ll enjoy it.

    (417): Fuckbuddy couldn’t meet, so she’s trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

    (703): She said she couldn’t find my penis because my arm was in the way.  That was my penis

    (1-703): Every man deserves at least one moment like that

    (314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college…

    Worst Nights

    (714): All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.

    (610): she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl

    (780): She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend… worst. ex. ever.

    (512): Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

    (206): My roommate didn’t flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don’t have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.

    (850): He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, “Happy Mother’s Day”

    Think you did 2011 even better (or worse)? Got a head start on making 2012 even weirder? Leave it in the comments.