• About Last Night…

    No one is perfect. Despite your best efforts, hook ups don’t always go as planned so this probably isn’t the first time you’ve heard the phrase “it happens to a lot of people…”. Since bad sex story skeletons lurk in the back of every closet, we might as well embrace them. Presented without comment, some of our favorite horrible hook up texts.

    (310): Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn’t drop the candle and light half my bed on fire

    (302): I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche….the Lesbian Years.

    (404): He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ¬†… how is this fair?

    (812): This is the first time I have ever hoped it’s poison ivy on my cock

    (817): After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.

    (773): She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn’t leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. ¬†Apparently I just look like “that guy”.

    (718): He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates….using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

    (+03): Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said ‘whats going on in here’

    (661): I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in “I love you, I’ll try harder and I’m sorry.”

    (716): He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex

    Got a hook up horror story? Let us know in the comments…

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 26, 12 at 1:40pm

      He was fingering me on his couch until suddenly his dad come home. He tried to hide me in his bathroom and his dad asked if ‘he was hiding weed again’

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 26, 12 at 1:44pm

      She come over,we cuddled and kissed for awhile,she said things like I love you and I only want to make you happy,suddenly had a family emergency.texted me the next day saying that she knew I just wasn’t into her!

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 26, 12 at 1:59pm

      He blew his load on the comforter and we just put it next to the bed. An woke up to find my little brother snuggling with the comforter.

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 26, 12 at 2:04pm

      no hook-up, but I asked my crush’s best friend on a date, and then invited my crush as an afterthought. they both showed up, but my crush showed up with a date and then left. I cried in the street, followed my crush and his date to their car, and then returned to the bar where I tried to steal a beer.

    • Submitted by Duane on Jan 26, 12 at 2:17pm

      He asked me to pee in a glass, so i did. He swished it around in his mouth like he was tasting wine. Never been more repulsed.

    • Submitted by GronkNation on Jan 26, 12 at 2:22pm

      Try being chased out of a one night stands home by the girl’s husky while on your way to the bathroom. In boxers. Yes, the exit door was closer than the room.

    • Submitted by claire on Jan 26, 12 at 2:23pm

      My boyfriend and I were in the middle of sex and He answered a drunk call drunk his ex. He tried to fuck and talk at the same time…

    • Submitted by AwkwardInterruption on Jan 26, 12 at 3:11pm

      I was once hooking up with a guy at a party and mid-sex some random guy climbed in through the window from the porch right onto the bed we were on. Let’s just say I’ve never spoken to either of those guys again.

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 26, 12 at 3:30pm

      Took her to a spa for the weekend. Great food, great wine. However got back to the room and you know how you can tell the difference in smell between a fart and a shit? Thats right she shit the bef. WTF!

    • Submitted by Fi on Jan 26, 12 at 7:04pm

      After he finished he put on a red womans wig and started singing ‘the dog days are over’ at the end of bed. it was time to call a cab.

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 26, 12 at 7:45pm

      We finished having sex and I was laying on her bed naked while she showered and her down syndrome brother came home. The used condom was on the floor.

    • Submitted by Blue sedan on Jan 26, 12 at 9:33pm

      So we’re hooking up in her car and it was great in the beginning. A lot of kissing and a lot of cuddling. So we’re about to have sex, so she goes on top and we start. Mid-sex I feel something dripping onto my thigh and I’m thinking its nothing. So I keeping going, but after awhile I smell shit-like actual shit and I’m like wtf. So I thought she farted and so I’m like wow. But no, not a fart, there is shit dripping down from her ass to my thigh. I was so confused.

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 27, 12 at 7:43am

      I was young, we were getting together for the first time – both insanely drunk. He gets out this cherry lube and pours it all over himself, god knows why, I think he was frightened of the effect friction might have had on his one chest hair. Anyway, half way through I got on top, slid right off, hit the desk and passed out.

    • Submitted by COP SCARE on Jan 27, 12 at 8:26am

      was having sex with a girlfriend in the back seat of my car when we see flashing red/blue lights behind. my girl yells “oh shit, just drive off”… cop comes up to the car window and asks her if i was assualting her. nearly shit my pants

    • Submitted by kc on Jan 27, 12 at 9:48am

      I came home drunk – like hot mess, slurring drunk – with this random guy who was at least 12 years older than me…once I got there I realized I had forgotten my keys inside the apartment earlier that evening. Nobody was home. So I somehow convinced this random to bang me on the lawn behind the building, then after he awkwardly left in a cab, I broke into my own apartment through the window (it was ground level) & promptly passed out. The best part? This guy was packing a very, very small dick, and it wasn’t just the alcohol.

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 27, 12 at 12:22pm

      Went to the mall. This girl wanted to give me head, so we went to a closed off section of the parking grage and 5 minutes in a rent a cop came up. Long story short, I’m still not allowed back at the mall

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 27, 12 at 3:09pm

      i invited this guy who i really liked to stay over at my house while my parents were out of town for the night. i was nervous, so i got drunk earlier in the afternoon before he came over. i should have known it was a bad omen when i got my period 20 minutes before he showed up. he wanted to hook up anyway, so we’re making out and he got a nosebleed and got blood all over my face. it gets worse. i started to blow him and was so nauseous from the alcohol that i threw up on his dick. all i thought to say was “i guess we’re even.”

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 29, 12 at 3:25pm

      brought i guy i met back to my dorm. it was the first time i had gone this far with a guy and i gave him a hand job. guess who’s allergic to semen? apparently me…

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 30, 12 at 3:33pm

      One time I came on a girls hands and right after I went, my mom came up the stairs. I frantically put my pants back on, then my mom came in and shook the girls hand (for some reason). and yup it had cum on it…

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 30, 12 at 3:58pm

      me & my friend were hooking up at his graduation party. it was late and we were in the back of a camper that he had there for all his drunk friends to crash in later. as we’re getting it on, he asks if he could stick it in my ass and i politely declined. when i said no, all we could hear was a bunch of people laughing and graveling scrambling as all his friends ran away. they’d been listening the whole time. Even worse? the next morning I had to do the walk of shame in front of his dad, sister, all our friends, and my teacher. Talk about awkward.

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Jan 30, 12 at 6:12pm

      Picked up a girl from a club went back to my appartment, started to fuck around kissing and fondling. we both start stripping. she gets on top and starts riding me. Mid duck she gets green, half spin/jump she throws up all over my floor, punches me in the face and falls back and knocks herself out. Unconcious asleep. Landlord finds us in am doing fire alarm checks; naked, black eye, covered in vomit. Lola were had on her end.

    • Submitted by class five clinger on Jan 31, 12 at 3:10am

      Started hooking up with this girl I went to school with at a party, we were both kinda drunk. She started jerking me off and it wasn’t exactly a class act, so I ask her to blow me (she didn’t want to have sex with out a domer), and she claims she’s not good at them and doesn’t want to embarrass herself. Needless to say I wasn’t surprised but she ends up asking how she should do it. I have to say she wasn’t a great student. Sometime later I throw in the towel and say I’m tired and want to go to sleep. She says “we’re so in love” I reply “nooo we’re not” she presses on and says “just say it” i say that i can’t and i need to go to the bathroom. I come back to find her in my shirt and supposedly asleep. so i set my alarm for 7 and sleep on the very edge of the bed, i practically ripped my shirt off her the next morning and woke up my friend and we got the fuck out of there.

    • Submitted by SchoolDays on Jan 31, 12 at 10:59pm

      I was dancing with this chick at a club. She was so drunk, that I offered to pay for a cab to make sure she got home safe. We start making out in the cab during the 40 minute ride to her house. She asks me in. We make out some more before she barfs all over my lap. I slept on the couch until I could call a cab in the morning

    • Submitted by stickysituation on Feb 5, 12 at 12:17am

      Early on in high school my girlfriend and I wanted to hook up but for reasons I can’t remember we couldn’t go to either of our houses. We were in her shitty car and I decided to take her to one of the fields my family owned. It had recently rained but I thought it was dry enough. Turns out I was wrong. We immediately got stuck and were too far away to walk anywhere. I had to call some friends to get us and when they got there one said to my girlfriend, “Molly you smell like sex!” Needless to say we were both embarrassed.

    • Submitted by Anonomus on Feb 6, 12 at 3:53pm

      i was hooking up with my (now ex-boyfriend) and i was giving him head and we had been hooking up over a long period of time that night, so i assumed he would want the job to last for a little while. i was wrong. apparently he wanted it to be said and done with asap, so he lightly pushed my head off of his dick, and proceeds to jerk himself off (practically in my face) as im on my knees, on the floor. then asked me to swallow anyway. then it happened again the next weekend. awk. then a month later, i was giving him a hand job (obviously the blow jobs didnt work) and i looked away for a second and without warning, he cums, staining my parents suede couch. two years later stains still there, descrete, but there. needless to say, we didnt work out well together.

    • Submitted by Anonomus on Feb 6, 12 at 3:54pm

      me and my boyfriend were about to have sex. i go to move my leg and accidently kick his dick. need i continue?

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Feb 10, 12 at 5:14am

      I had a girl over that I have had sex with a few times. The lights were out and I started fingering her and then we started to have sex for a long time. It was great and we both just passed out. I woke up the next morning and went to take a shower. I guess she started her period the same time we started fooling around. I had blood all over my hands and a lot of my body. The worst part is. She ruined my favorite sheets.

    • Submitted by Anonymous on Feb 14, 12 at 4:54pm

      I used to have this hookup buddy that we didn’t really talk unless we were about to hookup, and none of my friends knew about us. One night we decide to get together at 3 in the morning in about negative 5 degree weather and we fucked in the back of my car. Right when I wanted to go home I turned on my car only to realize it died from keeping the heat on.. Who was i suppose to call at 330 in the morning when its below zero and no one can know i hookup with this dude? it was a long night.

    • Submitted by Lauren_Who on Feb 15, 12 at 6:48pm

      I was hooking up with this guy for several months so it was only mildly awkward when we were doing it doggy style and he told me he felt a foreign object in my vag and proceeded to dig out the cap to a yeast infection med applicator…

    • Submitted by keli on Mar 3, 12 at 1:26pm

      We decided to get in the back of his car to fuck. In the middle of the fun, guess who pops up next to the window with a beaming light? The police.

    • Submitted by victorias finest on Mar 5, 12 at 3:13pm

      Picked a girl up and Fucked her said she was 22, few days later in plan b, see her getting dragged out by police for being underage. I’m 26. Fml

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