• New Year’s Resolutions

    If you happen to be reading this, congratulations. You survived New Year’s Eve. Never mind the fact that you woke up in a bathtub covered in champagne with enough corks in your pockets to float…it’s 2012 and you made it. The only thing serving as a reminder to 2011 is the kind of hangover that feels like you’ve been hit by a train. Suddenly, it hits you. Your New Year’s resolution was to stop drinking avoid hangovers like this…until at least next weekend.

    Whatever your resolutions might be or the actual commitment you have to them, consider these texts your inspiration to staying on track or embracing the train.

    (818): Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

    (315): My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

    (513): New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

    (410): new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

    (407): at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don’t say i’m not fulfilling my resolutions

    (804): quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick

    (650): Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.

    (918): my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk

    (980): My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.

    More resolutions? Tell us in the comments.

    • Submitted by Bryan on Jan 5, 12 at 2:51pm

      My resolution is to grow another arm, so that I can masturbate without taking breaks.

    • Submitted by Shelby on Jan 5, 12 at 6:39pm

      My resolution was to stop smoking, drinking and stay a virgin. 3:30am new years day I finished off a pack of newports, finished off a fifth of UV blue and lost my virginity.
      New resolution.. Dont get pregnant this year.

    • Submitted by Steve on Jan 6, 12 at 12:42am

      One girl at a time.

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