Over the past 10 years, the timeless art of seduction has experienced a Guevera-like revolution. These days, we demand instant gratification. Our idea of a “date” is saddling up next to some girl on the dance floor and rubbing our half-chub against her ass without even making eye contact. In the same respect, thanks to the rise of cell phones, traditional “courtship” has been thrown out the window. Instead of awkwardly calling up some girl to ask her out for a fucking hot fudge sundae, it’s now socially acceptable to get straight to the point with those magical 2 and a half words: “Looking 2 bang?”
(847): ready 4 sex 2nite?
(978): wow. Woo me matt, woo me.
Straight and to the point – doesn’t even waste time with the “Hey” or “What’s up?” Matt’s a seasoned pro and try as she might to resist, (978)’s heading to Pound Town tonight.
(517): Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Getting a girl to bang you via text is one thing, but getting her to act like a fucking Black Bear in the process takes that shit to a whole new level. Clearly the only suitable response for this one would be, “As long as it’s Dolphin-safe, I’ll be right over with my blow hole.”
(551): Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Oh God, what the fuck was he comparing it to? The other girls he kept in a well and forced to constantly apply lotion? Ladies, any time a guy complements the structure of your vagina, fucking run and hide. He is not a sweet guy – he’s a fucking sociopath.
(281): Did you really end last night’s sexting with “Stay thirsty my friend”?
Relating commercial catchphrases to sex is fucking clutch. Nothing’s hotter than when a girl shows up at your place and before saying anything, just screams out, “WHERE’S THE BEEF?!?”
(786): You have no idea the dirty thing I want to do to your bald spot. Please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just can’t stop imagining George Costanza rubbing his bald head in oil and swandiving into some girl laying out spread eagle. This just feels like some old married couple trying to spice things up in their relationship by hopping on the sexting bandwagon, but have no fucking clue what they’re doing. I bet you can’t imagine your Dad head-fucking your Mom right now.
(401) votre penis est TRES GRAND. I used vous because your penis is SO big
Fact: Guys love being told their dick is huge. What’s the female equivalent for this? “God baby, you’ve got a fucking Horse clit!?!” Guys are fucking sensitive about their penis size, so if it’s really not that big, don’t patronize us with your fancy French bullshit. Contrary to popular beliefs, it’s not fun being told we’re huge when we know we’re dealing with a fucking shriveled mini Tootsie Roll.
(763) We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put “we fell asleep in each others arms.”
Obviously the rules of the Mormon Church apply to cell phones, too. Sexting is like banging a hooker – there’s no place for Romance. What’s next? Watching The fucking NOTEBOOK together while you text each other your feelings?
- via Ned’s Younger Brother, Bro King and author of Bros Like This Site