Texts From Last Night

About Last Night…

No one is perfect. Despite your best efforts, hook ups don’t always go as planned so this probably isn’t the first time you’ve heard the phrase “it happens to a lot of people…”. Since bad sex story skeletons lurk in the back of every closet, we might as well embrace them. Presented without comment, some of our favorite horrible hook up texts.

(310): Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn’t drop the candle and light half my bed on fire

(302): I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche….the Lesbian Years.

(404): He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm  … how is this fair?

(812): This is the first time I have ever hoped it’s poison ivy on my cock

(817): After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.

(773): She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn’t leave in the morning while she was still sleeping.  Apparently I just look like “that guy”.

(718): He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates….using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

(+03): Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said ‘whats going on in here’

(661): I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in “I love you, I’ll try harder and I’m sorry.”

(716): He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex

Got a hook up horror story? Let us know in the comments…

The Blackout

We interrupt our regularly scheduled debauchery to talk about some scary shit.

By now you have heard of SOPA and PIPA, two bills currently in Congress that threaten to destroy the internet as we know it.

If you haven’t heard of SOPA and PIPA, please check out the links at textsfromlastnight.com/#stopsopa

While the geriatric hearts of Congress may mean well (piracy = not awesome), the bill as written is like mixing Jäger with white wine. Now, imagine the hangover. They think it will stop piracy. The major networks and media companies assure them that it will. It won’t. Instead, this poorly written bill will relentlessly police users like you and publishers like us. It will erase sites like TFLN from search engines for even a small infraction. In fact, the cost for one infraction would be so significant that we could not afford to pay for our servers. What’s worse: if that happened, we couldn’t even go to Tumblr, WordPress or Blogger because they wouldn’t exist either. Same goes for sites like YouTube, Reddit, Wikipedia, Facebook and Twitter. Scary shit indeed.

Today, we’re asking you to write, call, stalk, text, or visit your representative.

If you don’t know who to call, we got you covered. Just head to: americancensorship.org

or

See a list of reps here: house.gov/representatives

But that’s not all. Today we need action. Tomorrow, we’re asking you to care:

“The mainstream news media was not going to tell you about SOPA or PIPA. Many of your elected officials want to push through harmful legislation because their supporters demand it, and they know you’re unlikely to hold them accountable. It’s vitally important to stop SOPA or PIPA from passing, but what’s even more important is that you start paying attention and demand better from your government. Even if we stop SOPA, the larger problem continues.” – RWW

Hello Syllabus Week

We let our college intern ML loose on the blog and here’s where her mind wandered…

Ah… if you’re anything like every other college kid, this is the week we’ve all been waiting for. The infamous syllabus week — It’s like welcome week in repeat. Except better. We’ve spent winter break tanning and shopping, prepping to see everyone once we’re back at campus. Fuck buddies are established, Christmas cash has got the liquor supply on high, and classes are straight bullshit for this one precious week. Professors spend 10 minutes going over the syllabus and let students out early. Complete waste of time going to class – we all trick ourselves into thinking this. After 4 nights straight of raging, maybe you’ll feel guilty about skipping and decide you’ll go to that 10:20. Hung-over, you’ll feel your way to class, crawling to your seat, blinded by the fluorescent lights. Maybe those 8 White Russians last night weren’t the best idea.

Here’s a little inspiration to stay strong, hold in your vomit and man up. It’s syllabus week after all.

(631): I’m afraid my bank account can’t handle syllabus week.

(989): no where in the syllabus does it say “no alcoholic beverages allowed”.

(231): Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week

(973): I had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week

(571): You yelled “bananas are an excellent source of potassium!” 4 times in the middle of class. How do you not remember?

(703): I don’t even know what potassium is.

(317): can you pick me up an extra syllabus

(1-317): I passed out in the shower again

(443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I’m mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

(612): I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

(817): Our professor just said “No class today, go get stoned.” A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

(716): I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?

New Year’s Resolutions

If you happen to be reading this, congratulations. You survived New Year’s Eve. Never mind the fact that you woke up in a bathtub covered in champagne with enough corks in your pockets to float…it’s 2012 and you made it. The only thing serving as a reminder to 2011 is the kind of hangover that feels like you’ve been hit by a train. Suddenly, it hits you. Your New Year’s resolution was to stop drinking avoid hangovers like this…until at least next weekend.

Whatever your resolutions might be or the actual commitment you have to them, consider these texts your inspiration to staying on track or embracing the train.

(818): Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

(315): My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning

(513): New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

(410): new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

(407): at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don’t say i’m not fulfilling my resolutions

(804): quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick

(650): Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.

(918): my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk

(980): My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.

More resolutions? Tell us in the comments.

TFLN Looks Back At 2011

Did 2011 even happen? Seriously. Weren’t we just recapping 2010 like…yesterday? Despite our collective lack of memory, we managed to piece together a best and worst of the year list from the insane amounts of texts you sent to us. We laughed, we cried, we cringed, we were proud & we probably puked. It’s our pleasure to present you with the six best and six worst Texts From Last Night of 2011, as voted by you.

Best Nights

(818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

(619): My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

(321): I’m drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I’m getting laid and 75% chance I’ll enjoy it.

(417): Fuckbuddy couldn’t meet, so she’s trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

(703): She said she couldn’t find my penis because my arm was in the way.  That was my penis

(1-703): Every man deserves at least one moment like that

(314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college…

Worst Nights

(714): All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.

(610): she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl

(780): She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend… worst. ex. ever.

(512): Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

(206): My roommate didn’t flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don’t have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.

(850): He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, “Happy Mother’s Day”

Think you did 2011 even better (or worse)? Got a head start on making 2012 even weirder? Leave it in the comments.

TFLN’s Extremely Biased Holiday Gift Guide

Holiday shopping is hard. If you’re like us, you end up getting frustrated with countless lists, checkout lines, and abandoned shopping carts on Amazon and end up like our friend from New Jersey:

(732): I’m drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.

Since you seem to like Texts From Last Night (awww), we have a few things that can help speed up your shopping without making you leave the glow of whatever screen you’re currently staring at.

1. The gift of remembering what day it is: The (brand new) TFLN 2012 Calendar

2. The gift of bathroom reading: The TFLN Book

3. The gift of the best walk of shame shirt in the world: Your Favorite TFLN on a T-Shirt. We suggest the text below, but to make any TFLN into a shirt, click on the Order T-Shirt link at the bottom right of a text.

4. Give the gift of never being bored while waiting for… anything: The TFLN Apps.

iPhone

Android

BlackBerry (open link from your BlackBerry to download)

And remember, there is a special place in hell for anyone sending a holiday mass text.

Here’s to copious amounts of holiday cheer,

BB, LL, PB, TZ, & ML

Finals Week

It’s that time of the year again – gouging out your eyeballs until 3 am, cracked out on Adderall while staring at all the material you can’t possibly cram into your brain in a two hour period (or two weeks if you’re lucky).

How did it get so bad? How did you procrastinate so much? You think these thoughts often enough that you only delay studying even longer. Pretty soon you’ve been at the library for hours and the only thing you’ve gotten accomplished is a new profile picture.

So go ahead, have marathon library days of 20mg XRs and double shot Ventis. After 2 hours of listening to the same 3 songs on repeat and refreshing Twitter, you’ll realize you’re better off going to the bar at 7p to celebrate a friend’s graduation instead. You’re screwed either way, so you might as well go out getting screwed.

(612): Well, it’s 24 hours till finals. I need high A’s on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.

(213): just used Clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. Hello finals week.

(443): I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

(972): I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he’s gonna hook me up.

(847): Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.

(541): The girl is drinking wine and wathing grey’s anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors

(615): If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.

(309): I just want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons

(309): so finals studying is going well?

Have a finals survival story? “Stress relieving” strategies? Put it in the comments.

Thanksgiving Eve, Turkey Dinner & Stuffing Your Exes

Thanksgiving officially marks the beginning of the holiday season — a time normally reserved for family visits, elaborate meals and old traditions. So if you’re anything like us, you read that as “a time normally reserved for getting drunk enough to handle the family, fighting your hangover’s urge to throw up the elaborate meals and the age old tradition of drunkenly hooking up with exes”.

With that said, let’s not go counting our turkeys before they’re cooked. Whether you survived finals or the final, pointless hours of work, you still have one last event to live through: Thanksgiving Eve. Also known as the New Year’s Eve of November, a convenient excuse to drink heavily with old friends or just another Wednesday, we wish you the best of luck in whichever way you see fit to celebrate. Just make sure to remember these things — blackout oven use leads to blackened everything, always call a cab, don’t puke on Grandma and send us your texts in the morning.

(949): while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving

(803): What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.

(315): I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we’re still alive after the night before.

(217): I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge

(570): throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen

(405): No you can’t have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn’t have vodka redbull.

(512): I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as ‘the girl who signed her receipt in blood’

(812): I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance.  And honestly, after that, there is no other way.

(740): you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving

(601): ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have

(814): love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house

(516): Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.

Got any Thanksgiving stories you’re not sharing at Grandma’s house? Put them in the comments.

The Penis Perspective: Sexting

Over the past 10 years, the timeless art of seduction has experienced a Guevera-like revolution. These days, we demand instant gratification. Our idea of a “date” is saddling up next to some girl on the dance floor and rubbing our half-chub against her ass without even making eye contact. In the same respect, thanks to the rise of cell phones, traditional “courtship” has been thrown out the window. Instead of awkwardly calling up some girl to ask her out for a fucking hot fudge sundae, it’s now socially acceptable to get straight to the point with those magical 2 and a half words: “Looking 2 bang?”

(847): ready 4 sex 2nite?

(978): wow. Woo me matt, woo me.

Straight and to the point – doesn’t even waste time with the “Hey” or “What’s up?” Matt’s a seasoned pro and try as she might to resist, (978)’s heading to Pound Town tonight.

(517): Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair

Getting a girl to bang you via text is one thing, but getting her to act like a fucking Black Bear in the process takes that shit to a whole new level. Clearly the only suitable response for this one would be, “As long as it’s Dolphin-safe, I’ll be right over with my blow hole.”

(551): Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva

Oh God, what the fuck was he comparing it to? The other girls he kept in a well and forced to constantly apply lotion? Ladies, any time a guy complements the structure of your vagina, fucking run and hide. He is not a sweet guy – he’s a fucking sociopath.

(281): Did you really end last night’s sexting with “Stay thirsty my friend”?

Relating commercial catchphrases to sex is fucking clutch. Nothing’s hotter than when a girl shows up at your place and before saying anything, just screams out, “WHERE’S THE BEEF?!?”

(786): You have no idea the dirty thing I want to do to your bald spot. Please wear my vagina as a hat.

I just can’t stop imagining George Costanza rubbing his bald head in oil and swandiving into some girl laying out spread eagle. This just feels like some old married couple trying to spice things up in their relationship by hopping on the sexting bandwagon, but have no fucking clue what they’re doing. I bet you can’t imagine your Dad head-fucking your Mom right now.

(401) votre penis est TRES GRAND. I used vous because your penis is SO big

Fact: Guys love being told their dick is huge. What’s the female equivalent for this? “God baby, you’ve got a fucking Horse clit!?!” Guys are fucking sensitive about their penis size, so if it’s really not that big, don’t patronize us with your fancy French bullshit. Contrary to popular beliefs, it’s not fun being told we’re huge when we know we’re dealing with a fucking shriveled mini Tootsie Roll.

(763) We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put “we fell asleep in each others arms.”

Obviously the rules of the Mormon Church apply to cell phones, too. Sexting is like banging a hooker – there’s no place for Romance. What’s next? Watching The fucking NOTEBOOK together while you text each other your feelings?

- via Ned’s Younger Brother, Bro King and author of Bros Like This Site

Not-So-Sexy Sexts

Sexting. I feel like my grandmother saying this right now, but come on. What has the world come to? In the olden days, a man had to trade sheep and gold to get into a woman’s frock. And now… it’s done via text.

Don’t get me wrong – the last thing I want is for my dad to barter with some dude before he gets to take a ride to Poundtown (I mean, I’d hate to find out what my dad thinks my vagina is worth…) but what the hell happened to courting? How lazy have we become that we can’t even pick up the phone and exchange some pleasantries before we get it on?

Look, we ladies aren’t asking for much, but we sure as hell are asking for more than (517): Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair to pop up on our iPhones. When we’re with our parents. For a family dinner. You wanna get it in? Indulge in your freaky fetish? Give you the key to our secret garden?

Pick up the god damn phone and ask for it like a man.
Oh, and buying us a drink or 12 won’t hurt either.

(847): ready 4 sex 2nite?
(978): wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have come to learn that there is a direct correlation between the amount of time a guy spends writing a sext and the amount of time he can deliver on the goods. So Ms. 978 is looking at about 15 seconds of pleasure. And “pleasure” is a very generous term.

(336): i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
They did. It’s called herpes. Enjoy!

(551): Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
[Pulls out mirror to examine her own vulva….]

(281): Did you really end last night’s sexting with “Stay thirsty my friend”?
Is that some newfangled way of asking for a blowjob?

(786): you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I hope to god this text message popped up when Mr. Blad was away from the table so everyone else got to enjoy it first.

(401): votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Really, you could tell a guy he has a tres tiny penis and he’d drop whatever he’s doing to sleep with you.

(763): We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put “we fell asleep in each others arms.”
Aw. So romance isn’t dead!

- via Lauren, former Editor in Chief of CollegeCandy.com /current real adult”